...these silver lines, travel from my thoughts to yours, wavering, floating like spirits dancing...


Thursday, October 9, 2008

Love or the Absence of it

(A feature I wrote a while back)



Love or the Absence of it



The modern human and his conceptualization of love



Why has the modern person diverted from the path of romance and love? Is physical desire and sexual satisfaction all that constitutes the meaning of love for the modern man? Why is there so much dissatisfaction and resentment between the sexes? Bushra Azeem explores the modern concept of love…


Modern relationships have taken on a new turn. No longer are couples looking for long-term commitments and deeper feelings, rather they are searching for something instant and handy-much like instant coffee! Gone are the days when foreplay and romance were considered essentials in wooing a woman. Now, the mere display of wealth and a choice selection of words will get you anywhere. The charms of romance – a love poem brimming with a lover’s desire, a bundle of red roses, love notes tucked away in secret places, sweet candy to denote strong emotions, holding hands while talking over cups of tea – have all slowly and gradually withered away.

Young couples seeking a relationship are not looking for the same things as their elders just a generation ago. Physical satisfaction and the need to be seen with someone and be in a relationship just for the heck of it, is basically what motivates these young people to hook up with someone.

Their elders are no better however. They have years of more experience under their bag, and are experts in the art of deception and lying. These maestros will do anything to get what they want and won’t lose much at their end of the bargain after all’s said and done. They consider dating a game and mere child’s play and so clever are their ways, that is difficult to know exactly when they are lying and when they are telling the truth.

Relationships today are not based on deeper feelings and sentiments, but are artificial and superficial. They are not long-lasting and are usually made with some inner purpose. As soon as that purpose is fulfilled, the ‘relationship’ accelerates towards its demise. Fast forward a couple of weeks – or days in some cases! – and you have another ‘relationship’ brewing up.

This relationship/affair business may seem mind-boggling to the conservatists, traditionalists and ‘old-fashioned’ people like myself, but to these lot, it is nothing more than ‘passing time’ or ‘having fun’ or ‘enjoying life’ or ‘making the most out of their youth’. Life is already so complex, why make it more difficult by adding the burden of a relationship, they chant.

It is a misconception that in our society, it is only the male gender, specifically the young men, who engage in short flings or one night stands. Today, young women are also engaging themselves in similar activities. After all, the men need willing women to have their fun, don’t they? As the saying goes:

Jab main biwi razi, tou kiya kare ga qazi?”

Today, the very things that attracted men to women before, have altered. Young men prefer ‘bad girls’ – those who smoke, dope, sleep around, wear revealing clothes, and who don’t give a care to the world. Because, that would make it all the more easy to get in bed with them. Whereas, a shy, demure, decent looking ‘good girl’ or ‘behenji’ as they are popularly known, would take more effort, not to mention the patience and the hard work – and the uncertainty whether the girl will get trapped or not. Because ‘good girls’ are a hard, if not an impossible nut to crack.

The women too have changed as regards what they look for in a man. On the superficial level, a girl who has a very handsome or cute boyfriend will immediately have her status raised among her friends. Next to looks, but second to none of course, is money. The more the merrier. More cash means more gifts and more pampering for her. This is also a misconception however, since many rich lads tend to be miserly bastards, who would spend millions on themselves but not a penny on their lasses.
An 18 year old student from Cardinal School, who wished to remain anonymous said that he has had six girlfriends but was not in a serious relationship with any of them. When asked why, he replied that what was the use, when none of the girls were serious themselves. “I just want to have a good time because life comes only once and I choose to live it the way I see best.” When asked what he considers a ‘good time’, he replied with a snicker, “dating, sleeping around, doping-anything I want”.

Another student, Alishba, who is studying Film in Beaconhouse National University, said that she and her boyfriend Ahmer share an open-relationship. “Everyone in school knows we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I like the attention ‘cause Ahmer’s really popular, and I think Ahmer likes the attention too, ‘cause I’m pretty popular myself! I like being seen with him – as his girlfriend – although he’s really like the rest of my guy friends. I don’t have any expectations from him, but when I want to be with him, I just tell him.”



Nusrat is a 24 year old teacher at a private school. She lives with her grandmother, who is really old and sick. Since her own parents passed away when she was very young, Nusrat has to take care of her grandmother as well as earn money for her small family. When asked if she had ever been in a relationship, she replied that she left her first job for that very reason. She worked in a bank where she and her colleague met and got to know each other. “I was attracted to him and his gentlemanly ways and he also didn’t attempt to hide his affection for me. It was no surprise then, that when he asked me out only six weeks after I joined the bank, I accepted. We had a wonderful time, until a friend saw me having lunch with him at a restaurant during our lunch break, and later told me that her cousin was married to him! The worst part was that he didn’t deny it when I confronted him about it, instead he began to openly make suggestive passes at me attempting to get in bed with me. I was so shocked at this, I had to leave my job. I’m not hurt at his deception and his vile character, but the way he’s broken my trust in love’, she said with a sigh.

Omer Khalid is a young doctor who has just started his career. When asked if he had ever been in a relationship, he first felt reluctant to share his tale, but then openly told of his fiancé and how she had left him because his family was not financially sound enough for her likes. He loved her deeply and feels that he will never get over her completely. Many times he tried to win her over, but all in vain.

Mrs. Nausheen Riaz is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in relationships and marriage counseling. According to her, the bond between a man and woman is a very fragile one and when a couple enters a relationship both have their own expectations and needs from the other. When these needs and expectations are not met, dissatisfaction and resentment arises, often leading to conflicts and fights. “It is no surprise then why so many young people do not marry these days, because they do not have good examples of happily married couples in front of them. They see marriage as a stifling bond which will hinder their freedom. Whatever happened to love, nobody knows. In our age, marriage was the highest expression of ones’ love and desire for the other. To make a bond and share a life with a person is, in my opinion, the most romantic thing that ever exists!”, she said.

Despite the current trends in love and relationships, love must be kept alive, for it is the only thing that makes life worthwhile. The hopelessness must be washed away from the hearts of those who think love and loving someone is futile. The sanctity of marriage must not be mocked and scoffed at. A deeper understanding and better communication between the couples will yield better results and will ensure satisfaction for all.



“Keep love alive!”

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